Cornerstone Christian Counselling Centre
by Keith Martin MSW, RSW Clinical Social Worker
If I'm A Christian Then Why Am I Still Angry?
Part 4
It is interesting to reflect back on my earlier years as I write this article. I can see now how incredibly easy it was to deny the anger. In fact, my life began to change in positive ways. I was able to find work that I really enjoyed. I worked in a custody facility for young offenders, a job, which would last for the next eight years. I discovered that despite the many challenges, I genuinely enjoyed working with people.
Working with young offenders proved to be an important training ground for dealing with my anger. I was challenged over and over again by the attitudes and behaviours of the teen males. I had to accept the fact that I might be in a position where I had done nothing wrong and was wronged, yet I could never respond with aggression.
In the past if another person upset me I would excuse my angry responses because of that person's behaviour. Now however, I could no longer blame the young males. Over the years I learned many times, sometimes in painful ways, that I alone was responsible for what I did with my anger. If you are someone who struggles with anger then this lesson, which I learned in the custody facilities, is one you need to learn in order to deal with your anger. This is a difficult concept for us to accept. We want to hold our anger and find justifications that excuse what we do with our anger.
Over the years of helping people deal with their anger I have found that not excusing anger is THE essential element in coping with anger. It is so hard for us to accept responsibility for what we do if we feel wronged. Unfortunately as long as you, or I, maintain the attitude, "He/she/they deserve what I am saying or doing in anger, because of what was done to me" then we are giving anger a foothold. The simple, yet difficult, challenge remains for us to take responsibility for how we react despite any perceived or real provocation.
At this point I imagine that some of you are protesting. You may be saying, "but Keith you have no idea what I've been through". That is true, but the key point is not what has been done to you. I am not saying is that others have treated you fairly or justly. In fact how I respond to anger has nothing to do with another's response. The fact that I have been hurt does not justify retaliating with hurt.
Letting go of my right to retaliate from my hurt is the most fundamental step in dealing with anger. Anger can be extremely powerful in promoting positive actions, but only when it is free of retaliation. The key is not whether the other person is right or that I do not have reason to be angry. Rather the key is my willingness to make the right choices DESPITE my anger. This was the powerful lesson I learned when I worked at the custody facility.
I had made significant changes in how I dealt with my anger but a bigger test was still ahead. I began a romantic relationship, which I thought was totally serious; in fact we had talked about marriage. Unfortunately within a year it was over, and I had been betrayed by a person I thought that I could trust. I was hurt and devastated which led to considerable anger. It took nearly a year for the healing to take place, but rather than retreat to old patterns of rejection and isolation I actually dealt with my anger. The good news was that despite the devastation I felt I could respond positively to my anger.
After the time of healing a new period of growth took place. Through a variety of people and situations God took me on a journey of healing which culminated in meeting my spouse ten month's later. Naturally my life has not been free from anger, and I do not always deal with this emotion effectively. But I no longer dwell in a place of anger and bitterness and the warning my friend gave me at 18 has not come true. I could have been, but did not become, that angry old man who no one liked.
So that's my story. I've told it so that you can have hope if you are struggling with anger. Next month I'll spend some time outlining the ways in which we can show anger. There is no perfect way to show or experience anger, but I can always choose to deal effectively with anger despite my temperament and how I show anger.
Cornerstone Christian Counselling Centre
258 King St. N.,
519-883-3922
Fax 519-883-3924
Waterloo, Ontario, Canada.
mail: Box 38029 at 256 King St. N. Waterloo Ont. N2J 4T9
For further information contact us at www.cornerstonechristian.ca or info@cornerstonechristian.ca
