Elijah House
The Power of the Cross
Through the Spirit and the Word
Working to Heal and Restore Families
www.elijahhouse.org
What is Forgiveness?
by Robert Morrissette
Something I've discovered is that even though we talk so frequently about forgiveness, many find it hard to define in a practical way what forgiveness is. We assume that everyone knows what we mean when we mention the word "forgiveness". But what does it mean to forgive? How do I know if I really have forgiven someone? Since forgiving is so very important not only because the Lord commands us to forgive but also since it many times leads to healing, it is therefore important that we know what it means to forgive.I've heard forgiveness described as "letting go of past hurts" or "to change one's attitude towards someone." My question is, "how do you do that?" How does one "let go"?
One day the Lord showed me a closer look at a definition of forgiveness I had never fully seen before. It comes from the Lord's prayer: "Forgive us our debts, as we also have forgiven our debtors." (Mat 6:12 - NIV). When someone has unforgiveness in their heart towards someone else, they are holding that person in debt to themselves, hence, "he owes me." Therefore, when we forgive we are really saying, "I've canceled your debt. You don't owe me any longer." Many give evidence to their unforgiveness without even knowing it when they say, "He owes me an apology."
When someone becomes in debt to us through unforgiveness, our heart records what the other person owes. The only problem is that not only does the "what is owed" get stored in our hearts, but so do the hurt and the negative messages. These will never go away until "the debt is paid in full." Let me illustrate. A father promises his son that he will leave work early that day to take him to a baseball game. After school the boy excitedly waits by the front door for dad to show-up. Dad never arrives. Dad never calls. The boy is terribly disappointed especially because he told all his friends about what he was going to do after school. When dad does finally come home, he fails to acknowledge his son's hurt and brushes the subject under the rug. The son feels rejected and the message written in his heart is "I'm not important." Since this is not the first time dad has done something like this, the son is likely to be tempted once again by dad's actions to hold resentment and unforgiveness towards his father. In his heart the unforgiveness says, "Dad owes me to keep his promise and to admit that he did wrong to me." Now that the son is holding his father in debt to himself, the event, the feelings and the message all get stored in his heart, never to go away until there is forgiveness. Time goes on and this unresolved issue gets buried in the heart along with other similar issues; it's forgotten but still there. Now the son later in life finds himself over-reacting in circumstances through rages or depression when people do not come through on their promises. Why? Because the feelings and the messages are still alive and well within the son's heart only to be tapped into whenever the circumstances are right.
In those areas of our heart where we have unforgiveness, not only are we holding someone in debt to us but we are also unable in that same area to receive what we really need. These would be such things as affirmation, love, positive words, etc. Our heart is now more likely to receive negative messages that are in line with the negative messages written there through unforgiveness rather than positive ones. In that area our heart becomes closed-off to the Lord and others alike. Think of it as a closed fist. In unforgiveness, it is as if we are shaking our fist at the one who "owes us," demanding to receive yet all the while holding onto the very pain that we have unforgiveness about. We are unable to receive the very thing we demand because our hand is not open. So now, when the Lord wants to come and pour His love and healing into our hurt, we are unable to receive it even though we long for it. We might receive a very small portion of His love but not the fullness because we are waiting in our heart through unforgiveness for those who hurt us to pay up, to come through. Because of the unforgiveness, it is as if we are saying to the Lord, "No, that's okay. I'm waiting for so-and-so. He owes me."
I John 1:9 says, "If we confess our sins, he is faithful and just and will forgive us our sins and purify us from all unrighteousness." The first five words of this verse are our part. It is our job to confess or admit our sin. The rest of the verse describes what the Lord's part is. His job is to cleanse us. Unforgiveness, bitterness, resentment and hatred are all sin or unrighteousness. It is the Lord's job to cleanse us of these things, to cleanse away and change our ill feelings. Our job is simply to admit we have these against someone. Forgiveness is not a feeling but rather a choice, a choice to cancel someone's debt where upon doing so the Lord heals us, removing the pain and the negative messages in our hearts.
This is why forgiveness is so important, so essential in the removal of unresolved hurts and negative messages in our hearts written there through unforgiveness. As long as we hold onto these through unforgiveness, demanding that the debt be paid, the pain will not go away. The negative messages are there too, ready to be played back under the right circumstances. Forgiveness steals away the power of past hurts and negative messages. When someone is no longer indebted to us, we are no longer vulnerable to them (and others like them) since we are no longer waiting for them to come through, to pay off their debt. And now, here's the real blessing when we forgive . . . our spirits can be all the more open to receive what the Lord has for us through healing. He can make up the difference.
Robert Morrissette is a prayer counsellor at Elijah House. He received his Bachelor of Science Degree in Psychology from Palm Beach Atlantic College and his Master of Arts Degree in Psychology, with an emphasis in marriage, family and child counseling, from National University.
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Phone: (208) 773-1645; Fax: (208) 773-1647
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Elijah House
17397 W Laura Ln
Post Falls, ID, USA 83854
208-773-1645
fax 208-773-1647
http://www.elijahhouse.org
