Wholeness Ministries
www.wholeness.org

The Traps of Unforgiveness Part 3
To Forgive or Not to Forgive

In last month's article I dealt with the first three points regarding what forgiveness is not. In this article I will cover the last two points and the steps we can take to forgiveness.

FOURTH: Forgiving does not mean the person is entirely off the hook. You are releasing them from your anger into God's hands. God, who is much wiser and far more capable of handling things then we are, is left in charge. It says in Romans 12:19 "Do not take revenge, my friends, but leave room for God's wrath, for it is written: "It is mine to avenge; I will repay," says the Lord.

Many people struggle with forgiveness because they don't feel like it's fair. To just forgive them is to easy. Sometimes they'll say something like; "you don't know how bad they hurt me, I can't just let them off, it's not fair." We want revenge, we want them to realize what they did, we want them to hurt. What we are talking about here basically, is a trust issue between you and God. Do you trust that God will avenge your wrong. The fact is there will be a day of accounting for us all. Romans 14:10 You, then, why do you judge your brother? Or why do you look down on your brother? For we will all stand before God's judgment seat.

It is much easier to give it to God and let Him deal with it than to carry it around waiting for a chance to take revenge. Revenge will destroy you. Satan will use it to condemn, intimidate and accuse you!

FIFTH: Forgiveness in not something we are incapable of doing. Some will say to me; "I just can't do that, it's asking too much." Forgiveness is a choice. It is a crisis of the will. It is also a crisis of trust and obedience. It is our Lord, our Master, who is commanding us to forgive. Would He command us to do something we were incapable of doing? I've have on occasion had people say to me "I won't forgive them for what they did to me!" or "I don't want to forgive them" What are they doing, but holding on to the anger. What we are facing again is obedience and trust. I don't believe God would command us to do something we are incapable of doing. That's cruel! We have worked with many people who were at this point and it did take some time to bring them to the point of being willing and then able to forgive but we usually were able to get them there and when this happened there was incredible freedom for them.

The truth is that forgiving benefits both the forgiver and the forgiven. Gary Smalley and John Trent have written in their book The Blessing, "As long as people are angry at each other, they are chained to each other." They are talking about being emotionally chained. We literally drag them around with us emotionally and the act of forgiving sets both them and us free. Note that at the end of the parable of the unforgiving servant both servants end up in jail.

A Pastor recently referred to carrying bitterness as "emotional suicide." Job 18:4 says, "you, who tear yourself to pieces in your anger..." The fact that anger harms the person who is angry is not just a Biblical truth but a widely accepted psychological and medical fact. In her syndicated column Ann Landers printed this little gem of truth, "Anger is like acid. It does more harm to the object in which it is stored than to the object on which it is poured." The person you are angry with may not even be aware of your anger. They may have no idea and suffer no ill effects of your anger at all, while it eats away at you daily. Remember the story I told earlier about the friend who had wounded me? He didn't have a clue that he had hurt me.

Let me say again at this point that Forgiveness is the Key To Inner Healing. We have prayed with people who have been in therapy for years but never really dealt with the roots of their anger. They come for ministry and through prayer and forgiveness they will gain freedom from those hurts sometimes in a very short period because we have through the anointing of the Holy Spirit been able to get to the roots and help them deal honestly with the emotional wounds and then release the person who wounded them. I believe we need to be working hand in hand with all the medical community. We have much to offer in helping to bring people into wholeness.

There are some key elements in this process of forgiveness:

1. Don't wait until you feel like forgiving; you may never get there. Once you make the choice to forgive and begin the process the feelings will come. But understand, even after you have forgiven, the emotions take time to heal.
   
2. Forgive from your heart. You must acknowledge the hurt; the anger, bitterness or hatred. Many of us believers somehow think it's not nice to express what we are really feeling so we stuff it away. You have to let God bring the pain to the surface so He can then help you deal with it. This may be especially hard for men because we are often taught to keep our emotions under control. Don't let anyone see you cry, or don't let them know how much it hurts, because it's a sign of weakness. "Real men don't cry." Baloney! If you are going to get to the root of the pain, you have to get to the emotions. Once you can honestly and openly express those feelings you can then start the process of forgiving.
   
3. Don't get stuck at "Lord, please help me to forgive" The hard-core choice is your responsibility, not God's. It may be difficult for you to go there, and you may not want to, but you can and you must forgive.
   
4. Be Specific. Sometimes it's easy to say something like; "Dad I forgive you for the lousy childhood I had." That's too broad a statement. You need to be very specific on what you are forgiving him for.
   "I forgive you_____for______and for making me feel (unimportant, dirty, rejected, ashamed, etc.)

You do no have to be trapped by CONDEMNATION-ACCUSATION-INTIMIDATION. There is freedom and healing in forgiveness!

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Wholeness ministries offers a weekly School of Healing Prayer, individual prayer by appointment, numerous resources on both audio and videotape as well as our book "Learning To do What Jesus Did."
For more information please contact:

Rev. Mike Evans
4301 Stine Rd. Suite H
Bakersfield CA
USA 93313
661-833-2920
Fax 661-833-2934
mevans@wholeness.org
www.wholeness.org