Mars Hill Centre
www.marshillcentre.com

Ambivalence:
A common result of childhood sexual abuse

He had told me that, when he was a child, his father wasn't home much. His work kept him away from home and he was left in the care of his mother and sisters. Soon, he became acquainted with a next door neighbour. This man provided some much needed male mentoring for the young boy. They worked on the neighbour's car, chopped wood, and went fishing. It was the male attention the boy was looking for.

Then one day things changed. The neighbour touched him on a place on his body that was just not right. As the touching continued, the boy struggled with the horror of what was happening and the physical response of his body.

Ambivalence is the experience of one or more contradictory feelings at the same time. For sexual abuse victims the ambivalence comes out of their horror over what is happening, and the physical response of our bodies. While they are terrified, God has so created our physical bodies in such a way that being touched in certain ways elicits a positive response in our bodies. It is how God wired us.

Unfortunately for the victim of childhood sexual abuse the horror of the abuse becomes forever fused with the physical response of their bodies. This fusion of horror and pleasure spills over into all areas of their lives. Every time something pleasurable happens in their lives, there is a shout in their heads that says, " Be careful. This is dangerous."

Imagine if you felt this strong ambivalence about your life. Every positive or pleasurable event in your life would be tinged with horror, fear and disgust. The much sought after promotion at work will not seem quite so good once it arrives. You may even become suspicious of those who have acknowledged your work and wished you well

In relationships, any taste of emotional intimacy seems dangerous, because intimacy lead to sex which leads to danger. Therefore, emotional intimacy must be avoided at all costs. Sexual abuse victims are experts at keeping their heart hidden, even from those who are closest to them. Some put up thick walls with "No Trespassing" signs, while others seek to please everyone. When they do this they keep control of the relationship by offering their hands, skills and time but not their heart. By avoiding intimacy they hope to avoid any danger.

It can sometimes feel like, well, you just don't know how you feel. Or it can feel like your going crazy. One group member drew a picture of ambivalence. On the page were two wildly squiggly lines, each a different colour. The lines ran along the bottom of the page, taking up approximately twenty-five percent of the paper. Superimposed on these lines, and taking up seventy-five percent of the page, was a large hammer. The individual stated that the hammer was her alcohol and drug addiction. Her addictions were the hammer that she used to numb out the awful feelings of ambivalence.

Ambivalence is one of the reasons many adult survivors of sexual abuse have, at best, superficial relationships. While they may have friends, be married and have children, no one really touches their heart.

Ambivalence is one the reasons adult survivors have difficulty having fun. While they may appear to be the life of the party, they are not alive.

The path out of the miry clay of ambivalence begins with an understanding that the physical response to the abuse was that, a physical response. To many victims this is a revelation that brings hope to their shame-filled hearts. No one had ever told them, and they refused to believe, that they simply responded to sexual touching in the way God had made them.

From that point, the strangle hold of shame and contempt can begin to break and they can begin the process of opening their hearts to others. Keep in mind it is a process. First, they must see and understand how ambivalence has caused them to be revictimized. They need to see their ungodly styles of relating and take a risk of opening their heart to a safe person.

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The Mars Hill Centre is a outreach, recovery centre located in the trendy, urban Old Strathcona Area of Edmonton. Since 1995 we have connected with people who are interested in spirituality and healing but may be wary of a typical church. We offer a variety of recovery groups throughout the year aimed at healing hearts, restoring relationships and creating community. Also, we connect with our nation through the 'Native Healing Connection' a nation-wide referral line for adult survivors of childhood sexual abuse. (NHC is a project of World Vision Canadas' Aboriginal Programs.)

Cheryl Shea, M.Div.
Team Leader
Mars Hill Centre
address: Box 4400, Edmonton, AB T6E 4T5
phone: 780-435-0202
office location: 8318-104 Street (basement Strathcona Baptist Church)

email: cheryl@marshillcentre.com

web: www.marshillcentre.com