Mars Hill Centre
www.marshillcentre.com

Boundary Lines in Male-Female Relationships

In the previous article we discussed the reality that Jesus had intimate relationships with women that did not cross godly emotional and physical boundary lines. Jesus was not afraid to be with women. In addition to his very private encounter with the woman at the well he was close personal friends with Mary and Martha (John 11:5), associated with prostitutes, allowed a woman to wash his feet with her tears - a very intimate moment (Luke 7: 36-38). Women were a part of Jesus' entourage, even supporting him with their own money (Luke 8: 1-3).

Intimacy is not a word that is to be only applied to the sexual aspect of relationships. Intimacy is a desire to be deeply enjoyed by another and to allow the other person's life to effect us. However, for all of us sin confuses healthy emotionally intimacy with physical intimacy. We get ourselves into problems when we are not healthy enough to enjoy a deep level of emotional intimacy without having to express this intimacy with physically.

The only safe way to deal with this confusion between emotional and sexual intimacy is to establish internal boundaries in our hearts. Internal boundaries are ways of putting safe, godly perimeters around the internal desires of my heart. If you have a lustful heart, that lust will surface somehow, somewhere, even with a window in your office!

Hear are some guidelines to help guard our hearts.

• Develop healthy friendships with members of the opposite sex. The more we understand that they are people like us, the easier it is to not simply see them sexually. If you are unsure what a healthy relationship looks like take some tips for the book Safe People, by Cloud and Townsend. Remember that would can only establish a safe relationship with a safe person if you are emotionally a safe person.
  
  
• Be honest about your sexual desires, not just to yourself but also to a trusted friend. When you do cross over an internal emotional or sexual boundary line, remember the power of confession. Confess your sins one to another and pray for each other so that you will be healed (or made whole). James 5:16 Confession is one of the most powerful tools we have in dealing with our lust.
  
  
• Have wisdom. It is true that there are some men I will not meet with in a counselling session or for a coffee appointment unless someone else is present. While I have well defined internal boundaries, their internal boundaries are so weak that I can feel the pull. In these cases I am open with my staff and take extra precautions.
  
  
• Men, if you have been attracted to pornography or are still addicted to it you need to talk with a trained helper. Consult a Christian Counsellor who may be able to direct you to more specific resources. Addictions, by definition, cannot be stopped without outside intervention. Join a men's group that deals effectively with sexual addictions and sexual brokenness.
  
  
• Women may not be addicted to the same type of pornography as men; women are often addicted to internal romantic fantasies that may be overtly sexual or not. Romance novels, Christian or otherwise, may be fine for some women to read but not for others. Women, we need to be honest about what goes on in our mind. Fantasizing about the wonderful man that will rescue you, who isn't your husband, is dangerous. And single women, the same fantasy world can set you up for a relationship that could be controlling or abusive.
  
  
• If you were psychologically or physically sexually abused as a child you have deep issues to address. One of the tragic outcomes of childhood sexual abuse is that the abuse is often the only intimacy a child has experienced. Consequently, emotional intimacy becomes forever fused with sex resulting in deep heart confusion in relationships. This confusion may seem so normal that you are not even aware life could be any different. But it can be.

One of the promises of scripture is that in Christ the dividing line of hostility has been removed. This applies to relationships on many different levels. In the body of Christ men and women are to be together, not divided or opposed to each other. Ask God to show you how he wants to heal the relationships in your life!

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The Mars Hill Centre is a outreach, recovery centre located in the trendy, urban Old Strathcona Area of Edmonton. Since 1995 we have connected with people who are interested in spirituality and healing but may be wary of a typical church. We offer a variety of recovery groups throughout the year aimed at healing hearts, restoring relationships and creating community. Also, we connect with our nation through the 'Native Healing Connection' a nation-wide referral line for adult survivors of childhood sexual abuse. (NHC is a project of World Vision Canadas' Aboriginal Programs.)

Cheryl Shea, M.Div.
Team Leader
Mars Hill Centre
address: Box 4400, Edmonton, AB T6E 4T5
phone: 780-435-0202
office location: 8318-104 Street (basement Strathcona Baptist Church)

email: cheryl@marshillcentre.com

web: www.marshillcentre.com