Mars Hill Centre
www.marshillcentre.com
www.marshillcentre.com
Safe Male Female Relationships
Many people seek counselling for broken relationships between male and female- marriages, mother-son, and father-daughter. These are all significant relationships. Finding restoration in these areas is important and necessary. However, all male-female relationships require healing on a much deeper level. In the Garden of Eden the basic trust level between man and woman was broken. While the power of the resurrection can restore these relationships, many in the body of Christ still struggle to understand and practice this restoration. As in other areas of life, we need to model all our male/female relationships after Jesus’ relationships.
The disciples left their teacher, Jesus beside a dusty well outside a town in Samaria (John 4). It was approaching midday so most women, desiring to avoid the midday heat, had already come for water. The disciples went to town looking for some food, leaving Jesus to rest at the well. He was tired and thirsty. A woman approached. She was on her own. And she was a Samaritan. Given the societal norms of the time Jesus should not have had any interaction with her. But he did. The conclusion of the story was that she became an evangelist to her town; many came to hear Jesus because of her testimony. And many believed.
In many parts of today’s church world this interaction would never have happened. Many Christians, and church leaders themselves, distrust their leaders ability to set healthy boundaries with members of the opposite sex.
Let me give you an example. At a leadership conference we viewed an excellent video about how sexual abuse can happen in a church setting. In this case, the minister, a single man, had emotionally and then sexually seduced three women in his congregation. The video clearly showed the dynamics of how the man took advantage of these women’s vulnerable points to seduce them into a relationship that was beyond the role of colleague, friend or pastor.
After the video, our discussion began to roll along and soon deteriorated into the setting of external physical boundaries. Someone mentioned that they would never meet with a woman unless his wife was present. Another mentioned how he would not give a ride to any woman if he were alone in the car. Not one person commented on how the character of the minister in the video had ultimately led to the abuse of these three women. While being alone with a woman in a counselling session or in a car may provide the opportunity, it is the lustful condition of a man’s heart, and the authority they hold, that contributes to inappropriate behaviour.
Clearly Jesus was not afraid to be with women. In addition to his very private encounter with the woman at the well he was close personal friends with Mary and Martha (John 11:5), associated with prostitutes, allowed a woman to wash his feet with her tears – a very intimate moment (Luke 7: 36-38). Women were a part of Jesus’ entourage, even supporting him with their own money (Luke 8: 1-3).
Since Jesus was fully God, and fully man we should assume that he had all the desire any thirty-year-old man would have had. (Hebrews 4:15 ). Jesus would have had desires for emotional intimacy and physical intimacy that could have put him in a compromising situation. Jesus dealt with his own lusts in a healthy and godly manner. Consequently, not only was he not afraid to be with women, he was not afraid of what others might think.
Intimacy is not a word that is to be only applied to the sexual aspect of relationships. Intimacy is a desire to be deeply enjoyed by another and to allow the other person’s life to effect us. However, for all of us sin confuses healthy emotionally intimacy with physical intimacy. We get ourselves into problems when we are not healthy enough to enjoy a deep level of emotional intimacy without having to express this intimacy with physically.
As the body of Christ, the biggest mistake we make in establishing sexual boundaries is to assume that physical boundaries alone provide safety from affairs, adultery and sexual abuse. They do not. The only truly safe boundary line is the one that runs firmly and clearly through our heart. In order to do that we must, men and women, acknowledge that we are created as sexual beings. God made us that way. There is nothing inherently wrong with these desires for sexual intimacy. What is wrong is how they are expressed. It must be decided in our hearts and minds that we will steer clear of all forms of sexual immorality.
In the next article we will provide some guidelines to help establish healthy internal boundaries with members of the opposite sex.The Mars Hill Centre is a outreach, recovery centre located in the trendy, urban Old Strathcona Area of Edmonton. Since 1995 we have connected with people who are interested in spirituality and healing but may be wary of a typical church. We offer a variety of recovery groups throughout the year aimed at healing hearts, restoring relationships and creating community. Also, we connect with our nation through the 'Native Healing Connection' a nation-wide referral line for adult survivors of childhood sexual abuse. (NHC is a project of World Vision Canadas' Aboriginal Programs.)
Cheryl Shea, M.Div.
Team Leader
Mars Hill Centre
address: Box 4400, Edmonton, AB T6E 4T5
phone: 780-435-0202
office location: 8318-104 Street (basement Strathcona Baptist Church)
email: cheryl@marshillcentre.com
