Shiloh Place Ministries
Seeing The World Experience the Father's Healing Love
Through the Hearts of the Leaders
www.shilohplace.org

Walking in Moral Integrity Part 1

There is a growing trend of moral failure in the church today. This is seen among single and married alike, men and women. Christians are just as likely to experience divorce as non-Christians, many Christians struggle with shame, and among Christian men, more than half have viewed pornography online. Against this background, there are choices we can make and steps we can take that will lead us away from the precipice of moral failure. We believe there is hope!

We have seen increasing numbers of Christian marriages fall apart in the last fifteen years. In most instances, the pattern that precedes the fall is similar. Couples enter into marriages with a desire to spend their lives together. Some find great joy in serving in their local churches. But somewhere along the way, misplaced priorities lead to a gradual decline in intimacy, and work and/or service to others begins to take precedence over intimacy at home. Partners begin giving too much of that which rightly belongs to their spouses away to the work place or to others!

This was our story. After only being married for a short season, Trisha believed that I loved my work as a commercial fishing boat captain more than I loved her. Then when I accepted Christ and got involved in church life, what little time that I was not at sea was spent helping other people. I was very good at catching fish and making money, and I became overly conscientious about helping people at church. After all, I earned respect among my peers, and feelings of significance and self-worth increased within me. But, I felt inadequate at convincing my wife that I loved her more than all those other things. Subconsciously, I was seeking to have my need for love and intimacy met in the wrong ways, and I walked down a path that could easily have led to moral failure.

Exposing Root Issues

No one plans to marry with the intention of growing distant from their spouse and seeing the marriage eventually end in failure. The root issue is usually a struggle with intimacy (in-to-me-see) that has been simmering for years. Being uncomfortable with intimacy often results in a parallel marriage. A couple gets married and plans to live happily ever after. The husband has won his bride, and he then begins focusing much of his energy into finding self-worth and identity in the work place, sports, or hobbies. The wife wants her "Prince Charming" to meet her deepest needs for intimacy. However, after a short time, her husband appears to be increasingly preoccupied with other things that seem more important to him than her. After a few years of frustration over her need for intimacy going unmet, she starts seeking for significance in church life, education, or work. Once the husband finds a degree of success, midlife crisis hits and he can no longer find any satisfaction in work or hobbies, so he starts looking for intimacy with his bride. But her unmet need for intimacy with him in the early years has hardened her heart toward him. Her attitude has become, "Tough luck, buddy! You had your chance! I'm going to do things my way now!" They've become like ships in the night that frequently pass each other's way, but they have never gotten to know each other.

A healthy marriage, one that is insulated against a moral failure, must be built upon a foundation of mutually expressed love, respect, and honor (Ephesians 5:25-33; 1 Peter 3:1-7), or it may struggle with the insecurities, isolation, and manipulation which often precede a moral failure. Awareness of the following four stumbling blocks can help you maintain your moral integrity.

1) Living with an unhealed need for love and intimacy

God created us in His image (love) and for intimacy. We were created by love, for love, to love, and to make God's love known to others. The one who knows and abides in God is not necessarily characterized by his prayer life, ability to talk about God, or life of sacrificial service. One who abides in God is characterized by being at home with love and intimacy in his primary relationships. Our ability to receive and give love and to walk in intimacy is the true test of our relationship with God. (Matthew 22:37-40; 1 John 4:7-20; 1 Corinthians13:1-7)

Most individuals who are in fractured Christian marriages are not characterized by their comfort with love and intimacy at home. Their spirits may be a new creation in Christ, but many developed habit structures of thinking (strongholds) in their youth (2 Corinthians 10:4-6) that later influenced them to seek wrong answers for right needs. Some spent their early years in legalistic, religious homes where love and acceptance were conditional. Others grew up in homes where affection and affirmation were seldom expressed. Others faced divorce, a performance-oriented parent, competitive striving, alcoholism, abuse, rejection, abandonment, or having to care for a dysfunctional parent or neglected siblings.

In my youth, though my parents loved me, I only felt loved and accepted when I performed well in sports, at school, and in daily life. I developed a fortress of thought (stronghold) that said, "I must perform and strive harder to earn people's love and to feel a sense of belonging." When I didn't perform rightly, I did not feel that I had a safe and secure place in my parentsπ hearts, so I chose to close my heart to love.

Because I was created for love and intimacy but rarely opened my heart to receive it, in my teens and twenties pornography, masturbation, and addictions became sources of comfort and a release of tension. This brought defilement into my marriage and increased my uneasiness with intimacy. The root issue was my unfulfilled, God-given need for love and intimacy. I compounded the problem by seeking identity in the sea and drove myself to be the top commercial snapper fishing boat captain in the fleet. After I came to the Lord, I laid the pornography and addictions down. But the need for love and intimacy was still there, so my unhealed need surfaced in other areas, such as hyper-religious activity and the need to be needed.

Helping others became my source for getting my unhealed need met, and it began taking priority over intimacy and fun at home. I exchanged the counterfeit affection of my love for the sea for serving people, in order to find the adrenaline rushes upon which I fed. I developed an angry, controlling edge at home and with anyone I felt hindered me from building my identity through work and serving people. My unhealed need for intimacy led me right into stumbling block number two.

Next isssue, stumbling block #2 Walking in independence, isolation, and control.

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