Shiloh Place Ministries
Seeing The World Experience the Father's Healing Love
Through the Hearts of the Leaders
www.shilohplace.org

Walking in Moral Integrity Part 2

2) Walking in independence, isolation, and control

Outwardly, in the eyes of our church and the fishing community, I was so kind and upright. But I was not real, open, and approachable, especially with Trisha. Inwardly, I lived for success and the praise of man and easily took offense at the slightest rejection or challenge to my authority. I drove my crew in order to out-fish everyone else and claim the coveted position of Top Hook. I was jealous of others in church who received more attention from the pastor than I. Thus, I wore a religious mask, pretending to be more spiritual than I really was and excusing my faults and weaknesses by blaming others for anything that went wrong. My hiddenness and excuses were the subconscious sins of independence, isolation, and control. "He who separates himself seeks his own desire..." (Proverbs 18:1)

I thought that if people knew the real me, they would reject me, so my relationships were superficial and built upon news, sports, weather, and church. I ended up finding security and comfort by being strong, unyielding, and right in order to protect myself from a sense of rejection and failure. I could not receive admonition or correction without being offended or feeling rejected. Therefore, I was not open to receiving ministry for my personal needs and ended up in denial. "I'm okay! I have no need because I am spending so much time fulfilling my Christian duty and doing so many good, religious things." Once I closed my heart to receiving truth from other people, I opened the door for greater self-deception.

I chose hiddenness over openness (darkness over light), and intimacy with God and family was greatly hindered (John 3:19-21; 1 John 1:5-8; Romans 13:12-14). Because I found acceptance and significance through work, service, discipline, and duty instead of love and intimacy, I grew out-of-touch with the needs of my family as I lived to get my unhealed needs met in the wrong ways. They had to meet my rigid standards and expectations in order for me to value them. What I had to do to feel good about myself was what I required others to do to gain my approval. I had to be in control, and it left a trail of broken relationships. This only served to lead me more deeply into the third stumbling block.

3) Being more committed to work and service than to love and intimacy

Being driven to succeed and to earn the approval of man took all of my energy, and I had very little left for love and intimacy at home. Being Top Hook at sea or serving at church became the only things that brought me joy. It seemed that life would have been better if I did not have to go home. The fishing community thought I was "one of the best." The church people loved my work with youth. "But, this woman God gave me!!! Why can't she appreciate the hardships I face at sea that make us so financially prosperous? Why can't she value all I am doing for the church?"

Communication at home began to break down and often deteriorated to little more than subtle accusations and defensive remarks to protect ourselves. Rarely did Trisha and I trust each other enough to talk about our true feelings. Instead, we centered our conversations on children and church. My relationship with Trisha and my definition of intimacy basically revolved around good sex!

Trisha eventually became resentful toward me and was left with very little sense of value or honor. She felt unloved and depressed, while her husband relished in the glory of his career and the praise of man. Feeling like a failure in my family's eyes, it became much easier for me to spend even more time at sea and in serving others. People's affirmation of my success and service became the source of my sense of self-worth. I was set up to fall face first over the fourth stumbling block, and I never saw it coming.

4) Finding affirmation and comfort in someone other than your spouse

With the erosion of communication and intimacy at home, I felt drawn to the women who appreciated what a good and successful guy I was. I found delight in being with them and in their affirmation. They were so easy to talk to about my dreams and insecurities and I thought they understood me better than my wife. I became defensive when Trisha asked why I seemed to light up around certain people but seemed so down when at home. This only added to her feelings of dishonor and the tension in our home.

God designed my wife to be a physical and emotional haven of rest and a place where I receive His love and comfort through the intimacy she and I share (Proverbs 5:18-19; Ephesians 5:25-33). When I share my private and intimate concerns or find more delight in being with a woman other than my wife, then I am giving to someone else the position of comforting me in the natural realm. That is called spiritual adultery.

Here are some possible warning signs:

• the tendency to share private, intimate matters with someone of the opposite sex
  
• seeking to spend inordinate amounts of time with that person
  
• finding more delight or comfort in being with that person than you do with your own spouse
  
• beginning to think that that person understands you better than your spouse
  
• feeling high or youthful around that person
  
• becoming defensive when your spouse questions you about that person
  
• becoming divisive or refusing to listen to the warnings of others

Before a full moral failure could ensnare me, Trisha began experiencing depression, partially related to stuffing her resentment and anger toward me for years. I ended up in burnout from a life motivated by the driving desire for recognition and approval; wanting to be seen and counted among the mature. Our pain finally outweighed our shame, and we began seeking help from friends, qualified counselors, and ministers of healing prayer. Through their unconditional love, acceptance, and ministry to us, intimacy slowly began to be restored to our marriage. It took even longer for our children's hearts to come home to ours. God turned to good what was meant as evil against us (Genesis 50:20), and used our experiences as the foundation for a ministry of healing and restoration to the nations.

Next we will look at how to maintain moral integrity.

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PO Box 5
Conway, SC 29528, USA
(843) 365-8990
http://www.shilohplace.org
info@shilohplace.org